Our Relationship with Fear

Our Relationship with Fear

Julia Morelli, February 2025

Recently, I have been trying to shift my relationship with fear to one of acceptance so I can release some of its power. This is not an easy process, and my goal is to cultivate a greater sense of confidence and ease. Just typing the word ‘fear’ prompted me to take a deep breath and let it go on the exhale. That is a response I am trying to nurture because giving worry and fear undue attention tends to result in physical tension, anxiety, disrupted sleep, and it can foster illness.

I struggle with worrying about things that might happen, and I know I am not alone. To quote Mark Twain, “I've had a lot of worries in my life, most of which never happened.” Focusing on a fear of what might occur seems to give it more power and it certainly detracts from the way I want to live.

Although it can be difficult to embrace, fear is our friend, and it is a gift. It helps species survive and evolve and can prompt us to think about safety. Humans spend a lot of time thinking about the past and the future, and not the present. One of the challenges we face is a negativity bias and that amplifies worry and stress. Too often thinking about the past involves “coulda, woulda, shoulda” and regrets, and contemplating the future means worrying about what could go wrong.

We are hard-wired to respond to real and perceived threats, and sometimes our fight, flight, freeze or appease responses become habitual. Noticing our tendencies and developing a sense of curiosity can help. Exploring the reasons for our fear and automatic responses with gentle inquiry allows space to understand in new ways. Fear comes in many forms, and it can relate to self-doubt and sense of belonging as easily as real threats to safety and security.

During stressful times, I try to focus on areas over which I have control. Sometimes I mistakenly think that includes other people or things that are much bigger than me. I find it helps to step back and consider what I really want and what will be best given the situation. Sometimes that means checking my impulsive reactions and remembering I can affect, if not have control, over my own responses. Knowing the difference between being able to influence a situation in a more positive direction and feeling overwhelmed can help. I know that we all have different experiences and circumstances, and I suggest deepening awareness, being intentional, and knowing that taking care of yourself can make it easier to help others.

Remembering that stress and fear show up in the body before the mind becomes aware of what is going on is powerful. Next time you feel like you are focusing on fear too much, try taking a few long slow deep breaths with emphasis on the exhale, and notice where you hold tension. When releasing the breath, visualize warmth flowing through the area(s) that are tight. Having space to notice what is happening makes it possible to create a new patterned response.

Change takes time, intention, repetition, and it helps to have a willingness to give yourself grace. That last statement is a reminder to self and something that might be useful on your journey.